It all started when we (my mother, step father, youngest step sister, and I) moved in with my grandmother and her husband in Florida. We had been there for a few weeks when they decided that ALL of us (besides my step father and my grandmother’s husband) will go on the South Beach Diet. I had no choice in the matter. Let me tell you, it was horrible. I was stuck eating garbage while my step father, who sat beside me at the dinner table, was always eating steak, and my love, potatoes. It was borderline torture. Every day, smelling the deliciousness of normal food coming off his plate, while I was stuck with diet tasting diet food.
One day, my mother and grandmother told me we had a surprise for dinner. Thinking that I really don’t want any kind of surprise you got lady, I came down for dinner. And there it was. Is that what I think it is? It that… Mashed potatoes?! I was in heaven. FINALLY! NORMAL FOOD! I asked if I was dreaming. They said no you’re not, let’s go eat. I eagerly went to the table, and loaded my plate with a BIG serving on these wonderful, glorious, fluffy potatoes I was about to enjoy. I got a big spoonful and proceeded to put it in my mouth, not even noticing the conspicuous smiles on everyone’s faces. And then it happened.
I quickly spat everything out. What. The. Hell. I pushed my plate away and demanded to know what was that. “They’re mashed potatoes,” my grandmother said. No they were not. That was not a potato. “It is mashed potatoes. Cauliflower ‘mashed potatoes’.” What? You thought that you could pass off mashed cauliflower as a potato. A potato. How stupid do you think I am? Everyone thought it was funny and that is wasn’t that bad. Wasn’t that bad? Yeah, I guess it wasn’t that bad if you knew it was cauliflower and you actually liked cauliflower. But no. How dare you tell me that we are having mashed potatoes, knowing that we’re not, and instead serve me mashed cauliflower, know that I don’t like cauliflower.
Luckily the horror ended shortly after my 14th birthday. Fourth of July sucked though (I was stuck eating baby shrimp in a can.) Diet only last about a month, but the damage was done. To this day I can taste it. Never again…. Never again.